365 days until my twenties official end. And right now, I'm feeling okay about that. But admittedly I've had easily 4 mini-breakdowns throughout the day.
I'm not convinced that I've really achieved enough, almost halfway through my life. So I've made a few lists today. I've been to university, I've gotten married, I've had two beautiful children, I've lost pregnancies, I've served on the board of a non-profit organisation. But is the list worth anything? And those things that I have achieved, have I or am I doing them well? Am I going to be considered successful? If I was, heaven forbid, to fall in front of a bus tomorrow, what are my girls going to tell people about me?
Well, ever the control freak, I'm deciding that I'm going to tell them what to say. And I'm going to say it first.
I used this blog for a couple year while scrapbooking. It was the first time I'd really experienced the idea of building up myself as a branding, and while at an art/scrapbook convention in Syd, I had a number of women tell me that they read my blog which freaked me out a little bit. Worse they told me that they enjoyed looking at my girls grow, my creations and my writing style. A part of me knew that it was the beginning of the end of my blog. It was easy to blog when no one was watching, but now I knew people where watching, and so there was pressure to perform. As it turned out, Facebook arrived soon after, and so my need to tell my story and update people on the girls was overruled by FB's instant gratification. And so my blog lay neglected for the last few years.
But in the last year of my twenties, I want to start to build that brand again. I want to record the stories of our lives, what impacts them and how we feel so that my girls, as strong independent women, can look back and see where they came from.
There are many things that as a parent I'm afraid of. I deal with a mammoth amount of guilt as a working parent, as a wife who doesn't always come home until after 10pm and as partner who doesn't do her share of the housework. I worry that I'm not the best example for my girls, that I'm not modelling the life I want them to want. And so this blog will hopefully share with you the things that scare me the most, and the ways I've tried to deal with them.
What does parenting/motherhood mean to you? What are the scariest parts and what do you do to try and get some (broken) sleep at night??
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